 |
| Pictured: Bieber |
BIEBER: I’m good. How ‘bout you?
RIDOUT: Cool, I gotta admit I’m a bit unprepared for this. I’ve never done an interview before. Is it cool if I call you “The Biebs”?
BIEBER: I dunno, man. That seems kinda gay.
RIDOUT: Yeah, you’re right. That would be pretty gay.
THE BIEBS: Did you say this is for a blog or something?
RIDOUT: Yeah, why?
THE BIEBS: On the internet?
RIDOUT: Uh, yeah. Is that a problem?
THE BIEBS: Well see it’s just... I dunno. It’s just... See, the internet kinda hates me.
RIDOUT: So you just automatically assume that I’m here to make fun of you?
THE BIEBS: Well, yeah.
RIDOUT: Well c’mon, Bieber! I’m sure plenty of people on the internet like you. What about the 530 thousand people who “liked” your YouTube video for Baby?
THE BIEBS: Yeah, but did you check how many people “disliked” that video? Over a million! Seriously. More than one million people from the internet dislike me so much that they we’re willing to go to that video just to click that they didn’t like it. In fact, Baby holds the world record for the most “disliked” video on YouTube.
RIDOUT: Okay, fair enough.
THE BIEBS: Last summer, I held a contest where my fans could vote for which country I would tour in next, and people from the internet ganged up and tried to send me to North Korea!
RIDOUT: Really, North Korea? Clearly Kim Jong-Il would never let you in. If I were them, I would’ve tried to send you to Siberia or something.
THE BIEBS: Siberia isn’t a country.
RIDOUT: Oh well look at you with your fucking geography. I’m not saying I want to send you to Siberia. I’m just saying that if I hated you, I would be smart enough not to try to send you to North Korea.
THE BIEBS: And yet you thought that Siberia was a country.
RIDOUT: Fuck off, bro! I’m on your side here!
THE BIEBS: Wait, really? I’m sorry, I just assumed you were here to mock me.
RIDOUT: Nah, man. Honestly, I have absolutely no problem with you. In fact, good for you, Bieber. Good for you. I mean, you grew up in low-income housing in Stratford, Ontario to a single mom and only became famous when a marketing executive stumbled onto a YouTube video of you singing. There are a lot of less legit ways to get famous than that.
THE BIEBS: You mean kind of like how Miley Cyrus only became famous because her father is Billy Ray Cyrus?
RIDOUT: I mean exactly like how Miley Cyrus only became famous because her father is Billy Ray Cyrus.
 |
| “No! She’s only famous when she wears the Hannah Montana wig...idiot.” |
THE BIEBS: It’s so true man. I mean, I never even asked to be famous. Did I dream of it? Of course I did. Did I accept it? Of course I did. Do I fly my friends around, party hard, and take advantage of my fame and wealth whenever I can? Of course I fucking do. What would you do?
RIDOUT: Probably exactly what you did, except with more substance abuse scandals.
THE BIEBS: And what about that Rebecca Black chick? I’m pretty sure I’m at least a thousand times more legit than her.
RIDOUT: Rebecca Black? Who the fuck is she?
THE BIEBS: Oh shit, you haven’t heard “Friday”? Yo, I’ll show you the video. Prepare to have your faith in humanity destroyed.
RIDOUT: ...What the actual fuck?
THE BIEBS: Right?!
RIDOUT: And this...this isn’t a joke?
THE BIEBS: It’s 110% serious. But that’s not even the worst part.
RIDOUT: Everything about this is the worst part.
THE BIEBS: No, I’m serious, you gotta hear this. People are calling her the next me!
RIDOUT: Wait, wait, wait. People are comparing this Rebecca Black character to you? But you’re actually talented!
THE BIEBS: I mean, it’s not even a song! I’m pretty sure she’s just talking about her day through auto tune!
RIDOUT: Also, I don’t get it. If all the seats in the car are already taken, how is she gonna make up her mind which seat she’s gonna take? I mean, there isn’t really any option here. Just take the seat that doesn’t already have one of your friends sitting in it.
THE BIEBS: I’m pretty sure you just put more thought into the lyrics of this song than Rebecca Black did in the first place.
RIDOUT: God, why would you show me this, Bieber?! Why would you force me to sit through this abomination of a music video? Why?!
THE BIEBS: To show the world how much worse it could be. Because here’s the thing: If the modern world is gonna start demanding that we have young people making music for other young people, you better be ready for a shitload of egocentric tweens sharing their shallow opinions of a soulless world. The internet may not be ready to accept it, but I’m pretty much the best case scenario in this situation.
RIDOUT: So you’re saying that you’re kinda like the antihero of modern pop music?
THE BIEBS: Uh...I’m not sure I said that. Did I say that?
RIDOUT: Honestly, I’m not even sure.
 |
| “...Which is kind of bad, considering that this entire conversation takes place inside my head.” |
THE BIEBS: The truth is, though, Ridout, even if I am the antihero of modern pop music, which I still don’t really understand, it’s only going to get worse. We’ll never be able to stop this.
RIDOUT: Whoa! Bieber!
THE BIEBS: What?
RIDOUT: Never say never.
THE BIEBS: Uh...
RIDOUT: See what I did there?
THE BIEBS: It’s...uh...one of my songs.
RIDOUT: Yeah it is!
THE BIEBS: Wait. Did you call me the antihero of modern pop music just so you could say that?
RIDOUT: It was either that or take cheap shots at Ke$ha. Honestly, I stopped giving a fuck after you made me watch that fucking Rebecca Black video.
THE BIEBS: Fair enough. Is this any better?
RIDOUT: Honestly, it really is.
-Thomas Ridout
No comments:
Post a Comment