How To Live Forever: Part I

We’ve all been in that awkward situation where you’ve accidentally climbed into the hippopotamus cage at the zoo and you start thinking to yourself, “Damn. I would be far less concerned about that horrifying beast walking towards me if I could just live forever.”

Seriously, so awkward...

But there’s just a small problem there. How does one live forever?

Now, on one hand I probably don’t seem like an expert on all things related to immortality, but on the other hand, how many times have I died? That’s right, zero. In all the years that I have been alive, I have died 0% of the time, which I feel is enough to qualify me as an expert.

Before I continue, I should point out that when striving for immortality, there are three basic approaches. They are “Pure, Simple Gambling”, “Batshit Insane Science”, and “A Fucking Quest”. Depending on your personal preference, you should decide which approach is best for you.

...unless there’s a hippo behind you. Then, you’re already utterly fucked.

METHOD #1: A FUCKING QUEST
There was a damn good reason King Arthur was always looking for The Holy Grail.

Eternal. Fucking. Life.

That’s right, if you’re down with going on a fucking quest, finding The Holy Grail might just be your best bet for immortality.

And for anyone who was hoping for something more scientific, let me ask you something: How many times has science saved Sean Connery from the Nazis?

Holy Grail: 1, Science: 0

Of course, finding The Holy Grail will be no easy task. First, you will need to locate the location of the grail, which is kind of a pretty big deal. It will take extreme levels of research to discover this location, and even then, you’ll likely have to deal with extreme environments, deadly traps, ancient cults, undead guardians, and complex tests of faith.

Not to mention unseen amphibious assaults from frenzied hippos...

Considering you’re probably nowhere near as tough as Harrison Ford, keep in mind that attempting to obtain The Holy Grail may actually end with the complete opposite of eternal life (ie. death).

METHOD #2: BATSHIT INSANE SCIENCE
Now, I should probably mention that when I say “Batshit Insane Science”, what I really mean is “Fictional, Wacky and Highly Improbable Science”, which really isn’t even science at all.

Ignoring this, I would like to suggest that the human race immediately begin attempting to tap into the powers of the immortal jellyfish in order to create a formula capable of granting biological immortality the elixir of fucking life.

And no, I’m not making up immortal jellyfish. They’re totally a real thing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turritopsis_nutricula

The only downside (apart from the fact that humans and jellyfish have pretty much nothing in common and the minor issue that this won’t work) is that a condition of the immortal jellyfish’s immortality is that it is forced to return to a sexually immature state (ie. a fucking tween).

On the other hand, that could definitely be used in the plot of the next big romantic comedy, “Tween Law”, where “the world has to go through the trials of adolescence....again!” (that would be the tagline). It would star Will Smith’s son and Justin Bieber as two cops, discovering that enforcing the law is way more retarded when everyone’s a goddamn tween. That girl from Little Miss Sunshine and Zombieland can be in it too (I guess).

Being a romantic comedy, it won’t include any hippos, because there is absolutely NOTHING comedic about fucking hippos...

METHOD #3: PURE, SIMPLE GAMBLING
For this one, you’ll have to use a method that I like to refer to as “Religious Roulette”. To play Religious Roulette you need to pick a religion. Any religion will do, but picking atheism is generally seen as a bad strategy for this game.

Then, you’ve got to wait until Judgement Day. The beauty of Religious Roulette is that even if you die too soon, most religions seem to agree that Judgment Day likes to break all the rules. When Judgement Day arrives, if you were lucky enough to pick the right religion (or at least picked one the winning religion is okay with) you’ve got a pretty solid shot at eternal life in paradise.

That’s why picking atheism is a bad strategy. To the best of my knowledge, the atheists’ idea of Judgement Day either involves global warming or the Earth being sucked into the sun. Neither of those situations will end well for anyone. It’s kind of like betting against yourself in Russian roulette. Even if you won, you won’t be able to collect your winnings.

Another comparison would be trying to steal a hippo’s treasure. Even if you get the treasure, the hippo will still fucking kill you.

A much better option would be Judaism. It’s a nice solid choice, and I’m pretty sure it more or less gives you a free pass into Christian Heaven as well. Also, probably Buddhist Heaven. I feel like the Buddhists would just let everyone in.

Or you could even just cheat and try being a really good person, which will probably get you a free pass with most mainstream religions.

On the other hand, if the correct religion turns out to be some sort of hippo death cult none of that will even matter any more...

BUT WHAT IF WE COULD COMBINE THE THREE APPROACHES?
Perhaps combining these approaches would reveal an even better approach. A super approach, if you will. With batshit insane science, fucking quests, and a little bit of gambling, what would be able to stop you from attaining eternal life?

A fucking hippo, that’s what. Seriously. Hippos kill people! Also, they can outrun Olympic athletes. I’m not even joking. Fucking hippos.

But what could that super approach be? What method could expertly combine these three things into a single overly-complicated attempt at eternal life?

The answer, of course, is Method #4.

But what is Method #4? Find out in Part 2.

p.s. Look at that horrifying piece of blasphemy. That is a fucking hippo’s skull. How is nobody else concerned?!

-Thomas Ridout