Dear Michael Bay,
On several occasions in the past, I may have implied that you were The Antichrist. Despite the fact that you will almost certainly never find out, I would like to apologize to you, Michael Bay. This of course is despite the fact that you will never hear this apology either, due to the fact that your fan mail disclaimer clearly explains that you instantly delete any submissions that include parts of a script.
That’s right, Michael Bay, you heard me (except, not actually) correctly: A script.
...I need your help.
Don’t get me wrong, Michael Bay, I am not trying to sell you a script. I am giving it to you for free. I require no payment, or even recognition. I am giving you explicit permission to plagiarize my work. This is because I know that you are the only man with the ability to make this script a reality, and I NEED to see this movie made. You are the only one who can make my dream come true, Michael Bay.
I present to you, Michael Bay, the most action-packed board game reboot/adaptation ever made.
Monopoly
SCENE 1:
[Scene opens on a SMALL YET HOMELY house. Cut inside to KRISTY THIMBLE (played by MEGAN FOX, obviously) making dinner. She is ALL WET and wearing a TIGHT TANK TOP for absolutely NO CONCEIVABLE REASON. Enter JOHN THIMBLE.]
JOHN: Baby, we need to talk. [JOHN looks WORRIED.]
KRISTY: You look worried, John. Is everything okay?
JOHN: I...[pause for DRAMATIC EFFECT]...I landed on Boardwalk today.
KRISTY: ...So?
JOHN: What do you mean ‘so’? It costs like $2000 to stay at that hotel!
KRISTY: It’s not like you had to stay there. We literally live right next to the Reading Railroad Station! There are plenty of ways you could’ve avoided this situation, John.
JOHN: I don’t think you understand, Megan Fox. I fucking LANDED on Boardwalk. You don’t just LAND on Boardwalk and not pay Mr. Puppé his $2000.
 |
| “Bad things happen when you try to fuck with Mr. Puppé.” |
MEGAN FOX: That doesn’t sound like business at all. That sounds like extortion.
JOHN: Damn this Monopoly™!
MEGAN FOX: That’s not at all how a monopoly works. Again, I’m pretty sure this is what extortion is.
[Cut]
 |
| NOTE: If we get Shia LaBeouf to play John Thimble, we could totally just re-use this scene from Transformers at some point in the movie and hope no one notices. Otherwise, try Jason Statham. I’m pretty sure he’s never actually turned down a movie, ever. |
 |
| Pictured: Exhibit A |
SCENE 4:
[Cut to UNCLE PENNYBAGS’s CRIMINAL HIDEOUT. JOHN THIMBLE enters with MEGAN FOX who is wearing a CHEERLEADING UNIFORM for absolutely NO CONCEIVABLE REASON.]
UNCLE PENNYBAGS: You must be Mr. Thimble. I’ve been expecting you.
JOHN: I am. And you must be Uncle Pennybags.
 |
| NOTE: Honestly, if we can’t get Bruce Willis to play the Monopoly guy, Uncle Pennybags. There’s really no point in even making this movie. |
UNCLE PENNYBAGS: Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. The question is: are you ready to commit to a job for me? No questions asked.
JOHN: It sounds like you’re asking me to take a Chance™.
UNCLE PENNYBAGS: That depends. You consider rolling doubles to be taking a chance, Mr. Thimble?
JOHN: [JOHN HESITATES] Alright. I’ll do it.
MEGAN FOX: The fuck is everyone talking about?
[CUT]
SCENE 6:
[Cut to JOHN and MEGAN’s HOUSE. JOHN is sitting at the table, and MEGAN FOX is making dinner, while wearing only a TOWEL for absolutely NO CONCEIVABLE REASON. Unless she was just TAKING A SHOWER. Actually, the TOWEL seems TOTALLY CONCEIVABLE now.]
JOHN: So basically, all I gotta do is roll doubles enough times, and I can make it across town to GO in a day. I drop the coke off there for Uncle Pennybags, pick up the $200, and then I’m only eight spaces away from home. That’s not much more than an average roll, baby.
 |
| “$200 for “passing GO”? Where did you think the money really came from?” |
MEGAN FOX: I’m not sure rolling doubles is something you can just do. I mean, it’s complete chance, isn’t it? You have a one in six chance. You can’t really plan that.
JOHN: Don’t be ridiculous, Megan Fox! How could the government make something illegal if it isn’t actually a choice? You can’t punish someone for something they had no control over! That would just be wrong.
MEGAN FOX: Wait, when you say ‘rolling doubles’ do you actually mean ‘doing coke’? ‘Cause that would explain a lot.
JOHN: Like how I would move across town so fast?
MEGAN FOX: I was more thinking of your impulsive spending habits and your frequent trips to jail. Also, we haven’t paid income tax in like four years. In hindsight, that probably should’ve been a bit of a red flag that you’re not a real property investor.
JOHN: Not to mention that I get paid in cash and don’t even have a bank account.
MEGAN FOX: Yeah, that too.
[Cut]
 |
| NOTE: Honestly, instead of condemning the fact that Monopoly is clearly about neurotic cocaine dealers, I believe we should embrace it. Like honestly, did anyone really believe that people were not only staying in those houses, but they all paid in cash as well? |
SCENE 9:
[Cut to THE MONOPOLY CITY COURTROOM. JOHN THIMBLE is ON TRIAL. Both THE PROSECUTOR and THE JUDGE are played by DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON. Every member of THE JURY is also played by DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON. MEGAN FOX is also present and is wearing a SEXY NURSE OUTFIT for absolutely NO CONCEIVABLE REASON.]
THE ROCK: So as you can see, your honour, John Thimble is clearly guilty of the federal crime of rolling doubles not once, and not twice! Your honour, John Thimble rolled doubles [THE ROCK GLARES at JOHN THIMBLE and pauses for “DRAMATIC EFFECT”] three times in a row!
 |
| “Three fucking times.” |
THE ROCK: Mr. Thimble, how do you plea?
JOHN: Wait, don’t I get a lawyer?
[Enter STACY RHYS-CARR. Obviously we’ll need DAKOTA FANNING. TRUST me. The KIDS will love it.]
JOHN: Okay, you know what. I’m just gonna plead guilty. My lawyer’s like twelve, I’m being prosecuted by a guy who looks like he wants to rip my spine out, and every single member of the jury also looks like they want to rip my spine out. In fact, I’m pretty sure every member of the jury is actually just the same guy, and that this guy really wants me to go to jail. So honestly, fuck it. I’m pleading guilty.
CARR: Actually, I’m sixteen.
JOHN: That barely improves the situation.
THE ROCK: Alright, that’s enough! Everybody needs to shut the fuck up!
JOHN: Oh, that’s good. He’s yelling again.
THE ROCK: John Thimble, you’re going directly to jail. You will NOT pass GO and you will NOT collect $200.
JOHN: To be honest, that seems a bit obvious. Why would I get paid for going to jail?
CARR: Actually, some people get confused.
THE ROCK: It’s true. It’s fucking annoying.
 |
| “But not as annoying as actually playing a game of fucking Monopoly.” |
[Cut]
SCENE 11:
[Cut to A PRISON CELL. JOHN is sharing a cell with HORACE RYDER.]
RYDER: So what’d you do? Hang around on the corner of Marvin and Pacific for a little too long?
 |
| “It’s a rough neighbourhood...” |
JOHN: No. I rolled doubles. More than once.
RYDER: A double-head, eh? Didn’t see that comin’. The name’s Ryder. Horace Ryder.
JOHN: I’m John. So what are you here for anyways?
RYDER: Oh, you know. Tried to take a Chance™. Turned out the deck was stacked against me. [Pause] You know what, I like you, so I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.
JOHN: And what’s that?
RYDER: I’m breaking out of here tonight. If you want in, say the word.
JOHN: Wait, break out of jail? How are we gonna do that?
RYDER: Tell me, John. How do you feel about rolling doubles one more time?
 |
| “Admittedly, the cocaine-use parallel is a little less obvious here.” |
[Cut]
SCENE 13:
[Cut to a (FREE) PARKING LOT. JOHN and RYDER are walking, side by side, holding 9MM PISTOLS. A building EXPLODES in the background. This EXPLOSION causes several nearby cars to EXPLODE. Naturally, this only makes the EXPLOSION BIGGER.]
RYDER: Well, that was a blast.
JOHN: No kidding. I still can’t believe those thugs just had this $500 lying around. What kind of free parking lot generates that kind of revenue?
RYDER: Well, it’s only $500.
JOHN: Yeah, but my house costs like $50.
RYDER: Point taken. Sometimes I forget that we use some form of God-Currency here.
JOHN: I fucking know, right? You can build a hotel anywhere in this city for like $1000 tops.
RYDER: A friend of mine dropped like $800. Now he owns the entire railroad industry in this entire city. This world doesn’t make any sense!
 |
| “Unless, of course, this game isn’t actually about what it says it’s about...” |
JOHN: But anyways, didn’t you say we were meeting your contact here.
RYDER: I did. That should be her right there.
[RYDER points at an approaching CAR. The CAR pulls up to them and STOPS.]
JOHN: Wait, did you say “her”?
[The CAR door opens, and STACY RHYS-CARR steps out. That’s DAKOTA FANNING (in case you’ve FORGOTTEN).]
CARR: Hey there, John.
JOHN: Ryder, why is your contact the thirteen year-old?
CARR: Actually, I’m sixteen.
JOHN: That barely improves the situation.
RYDER: Don’t worry, John. You can count on Stacy. She’s rolled her fair share of doubles.
JOHN: Oh, that’s good. The kid’s on coke.
CARR: Actually, just meth, ketamine, and cathinone. The slang’s universal.
 |
| “After all, how can you have a monopoly if you only sell one drug?” |
JOHN: Wait, at the same time? Aren’t you driving?
[CARR lets out a (likely) DRUG INDUCED GIGGLE.]
CARR: Hop in!
[Cut]
SCENE 17:
[Cut to JOHN, RYDER, CARR, and TOPHER HATTER (it doesn’t matter who he is, he’s dying in this scene anyways) are RUNNING down the hall of an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE in SLOW MOTION. EVERYTHING is EXPLODING, EVERYWHERE. There are lots of EXPLOSIONS.]
HATTER: We need to get out of here!
JOHN: Of course we need to get out of here, you fucking idiot! Everything is exploding, everywhere!
RYDER: Alright, everybody needs to calm the fuck down.
[A GUNSHOT goes off.]
JOHN: Oh, that’s good. People are shooting at us now.
[CARR pulls out a SUBMACHINE GUN and empties the entire clip down the hall. Unfortunately, it is impossible to see if she actually hit anybody because there are JUST SO MANY EXPLOSIONS.]
 |
| Pictured: An explosion |
CARR: Damnit! I can’t even see through all these fucking explosions!
RYDER: Seriously, there are currently an unreasonable number of explosions in this hallway.
JOHN: So many explosions!
[HATTER is KILLED by an EXPLOSION.]
JOHN: [in slow motion] Noooooooooooo! Hatttttttttterrrrrrrrrrrrr!
[More EXPLOSIONS.]
[Cut]
SCENE 18:
[Cut to JOHN, RYDER, and CARR all RUNNING out of the EXPLODING WAREHOUSE in SLOW MOTION. The entire WAREHOUSE completely EXPLODES and the HEROES DIVE FORWARD onto the GRASS. INEXPLICABLY, the EXPLOSION continues for SIXTEEN MORE SECONDS.]
RYDER: Damn! It’s a good thing none of us we’re killed by all those explosions.
CARR: Actually, Hatter’s dead.
JOHN: To be honest, I never even liked Hatter.
RYDER: Me neither. What a dumbass.
CARR: Actually yeah, fuck Hatter.
 |
| “Nobody likes fucking Hatter.” |
[JOHN, RYDER, and CARR all pull themselves to their feet.]
JOHN: Ryder, I think it’s about time you told me just what the fuck is going on here.
RYDER: What do you mean?
JOHN: What the fuck do you mean “what do I mean”? Why is everyone trying to kill us? Why are there explosions everywhere? Why does the fourteen year-old have a fucking automatic weapon?
CARR: Actually, I’m---
JOHN: [interrupts] Yes, I know, and that still barely improves the fucking situation.
RYDER: You’re right, John. I do owe you some answers.
JOHN: Who’s trying to kill us?
RYDER: Mr. Puppé.
[Play SHOCKING MUSIC.]
JOHN: Mr. Puppé!?
RYDER: That’s right. Puppé controls most of the streets ‘round this city. He wants the competition out. You own a place on Vermont Avenue, don’t you?
JOHN: How’d you know that?
RYDER: Puppé has complete control over Oriental and Connecticut. You’re the only thing standing in his way from building a new hotel.
 |
| “What do you mean you had to buy three entire streets before you built the hotel?” |
JOHN: And what about you? What’s your story, Ryder?
RYDER: Remember when I said a friend of mine owned all of the railroads in this entire city? That friend of mine is actually me. I own all of the railroads in this entire city.
JOHN: So how are we going to stop Mr. Puppé? Nobody knows where to find him!
RYDER: Every week, Puppé meets with Judge Irons to pay him a bribe. Irons looks the other way, Puppé gets to keep his drug ring going. Occasionally, he even takes a bit out of the Community Chest™.
JOHN: Judge Irons? He’s the judge who sentenced me! I hate that motherfucker!
RYDER: Save it for the streets, Thimble! We’ve gotta go intercept their meeting by the train tracks near Oriental Avenue.
JOHN: That’s like two blocks from my house, but we’re all the way over by St. Charles Place. It’ll take us like five days to get there, despite the fact that it somehow takes no time at all to get from there to here!
 |
| Pictured: The only street sign in Monopoly City |
RYDER: Not if we take a ride on The Reading Railroad!
[The EXPLODED WAREHOUSE somehow EXPLODES again.]
[Cut]
SCENE 20:
[Cut to THE TRAIN TRACKS NEAR ORIENTAL AVENUE. JOHN, RYDER, and CARR are all SNEAKING towards a group of THUGS. Talking to the THUGS, is JUDGE “THE ROCK” IRONS who is with his two HIGHLY TRAINED BODYGUARDS. Both BODYGUARDS are played by DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON.]
THE ROCK: You have the money?
HEAD THUG: Right here, judge [he tosses a BRIEFCASE on the ground].
[One of the BODYGUARDS picks up the BRIEFCASE and EXAMINES the CONTENTS.]
BODYGUARD: Everything looks like it’s in order.
[CARR leaps out of the SHADOWS, holding a LOADED SHOTGUN.]
CARR: Except for your face!
[CARR SHOOTS the BODYGUARD in the FACE.]
RANDOM THUG: It’s a trap!
 |
| NOTE: See if we can get this guy to play the random thug. He was great in Star Wars. |
[A MASSIVE FIREFIGHT starts. Somehow JOHN and THE ROCK end up in HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT. Eventually, RYDER and CARR SHOOT EVERYBODY except for JOHN and THE ROCK, who are still engaged in HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT.]
[THE ROCK throws JOHN to the GROUND. It looks PAINFUL.]
THE ROCK: Give up, John. You’re no match for me!
JOHN: Oh yeah? ‘Cause I’ve got a match for you, Irons!
[JOHN retrieves a MATCH from his POCKET, LIGHTS it, and TOSSES it into the POOL of GASOLINE leaking from the barrel of GASOLINE that I forgot to mention was right next to THE ROCK this ENTIRE TIME!]
THE ROCK: Oh shi---
[There is a HUGE EXPLOSION and THE ROCK is EXPLODED in a FIERY EXPLOSION. JOHN is UNHARMED.]
CARR: Nice one, John! You showed that motherfucker.
JOHN: Thanks, but where’s Puppé?
[The HEAD THUG lets out a SICKLY LAUGH. Apparently, he is STILL ALIVE, but is INCAPACITATED.]
HEAD THUG: You really think Mr. Puppé would come out here himself? How stupid are you?
[RYDER walks over to the HEAD THUG and aims his GUN at the HEAD THUG’s HEAD.]
RYDER: Stupid enough that I might just forget to interrogate you. [Pause] And shoot you in the head instead!
 |
| NOTE: Obviously, we’re going to have to get someone clever to play Horace Ryder. Someone like Nic--- Haha, fuck it. Retire Nicolas Cage. Nobody will miss you. Seriously. Just fucking retire. |
HEAD THUG: No, don’t shoot! Please! I’ll take you to Mr. Puppé. Just don’t kill me!
RYDER: Fine [he puts away his GUN].
[Cut]
SCENE 23:
[Cut to MR. PUPPÉ’s EVIL LAIR. JOHN, RYDER, and CARR enter to discover UNCLE PENNYBAGS. MEGAN FOX has apparently been CAPTURED and is TIED to a post (or SOMETHING). She is wearing a LEOPARD PRINT BIKINI for absolutely NO CONCEIVABLE REASON.]
JOHN: Uncle Pennybags! You’re Mr. Puppé?
UNCLE PENNYBAGS: Don’t be ridiculous. Mr. Puppé’s my dog. I do all my business under his name for legal purposes.
 |
| Pictured: An adorable plot twist |
MEGAN FOX: Help, John! Uncle Pennybags has kidnapped me. You have to do something!
JOHN: Oh no, Megan Fox! Don’t worry, I’ll save you!
UNCLE PENNYBAGS: We’ll see about that!
[UNCLE PENNYBAGS claps his hands and NINJAS appear from EVERYWHERE. There is an EPIC FIGHT SCENE. I’m not really sure how it should RESOLVE, but I figure we can just use an EXPLOSION somehow. The NINJAS are all KILLED and everyone else DROPS THEIR WEAPONS and is KNOCKED OVER. EVERYTHING is on FIRE now.]
[Slowly, RYDER and UNCLE PENNYBAGS are the first to STAND UP. Both of them GLANCE at their WEAPONS on the GROUND, and then look back at each other.]
UNCLE PENNYBAGS: You carry a spare, Ryder?
RYDER: [NODS his HEAD] Underneath my right armpit. You?
UNCLE PENNYBAGS: Mine’s under my left.
[JOHN (still on the GROUND) sees that CARR is unconscious and is DANGEROUSLY close to some form of SERIOUS HAZARD. He begins CRAWLING towards her to SAVE her.]
UNCLE PENNYBAGS: Any last words, Ryder?
RYDER: Yeah...
[UNCLE PENNYBAGS goes for his GUN, but before he can SHOOT RYDER, RYDER has drawn his GUN and SHOT UNCLE PENNYBAGS SIX TIMES. UNCLE PENNYBAGS drops his GUN and FALLS to his KNEES. A stream of BLOOD slowly starts to CREEP out of his mouth.]
RYDER: ...Game over, you son of a bitch.
UNCLE PENNYBAGS: Damn. You’re fast, Ryder.
RYDER: And you’re dead, asshole!
[RYDER SHOOTS UNCLE PENNYBAGS again, KILLING him. Meanwhile, JOHN saves CARR from the SERIOUS HAZARD. RYDER unties MEGAN FOX, and JOHN, RYDER, CARR, and MEGAN FOX all begin RUNNING towards the EXIT in SLOW MOTION while EVERYTHING is EXPLODING, EVERYWHERE (again).]
[Cut]
SCENE 25:
[Cut to a PARK BENCH where JOHN is SITTING. MEGAN FOX appears and SITS on the BENCH next to JOHN. She is wearing a SHE’S NAKED for absolutely NO CONCEIVABLE REASON.]
JOHN: Hey.
MEGAN FOX: Hey. [Pause] I never thanked you for saving me.
JOHN: You don’t have to.
MEGAN FOX: John, I---
JOHN: Megan Fox, did you ever stop to think that maybe we’re not right for each other? I mean, maybe there’s someone else out there who we’re meant to be with.
MEGAN FOX: Oh my God, don’t tell me you cheated on me with the twelve year-old.
JOHN: Actually, she’s sixteen.
MEGAN FOX: That barely improves the situation.
 |
| “...Right?” |
JOHN: Listen, I just think we should see other people.
MEGAN FOX: You do realise I’m Megan Fox, right? Are you really breaking up with Megan Fox?
JOHN: Okay, Megan Fox, I’m just gonna be straight with you...
MEGAN FOX: If you were straight, you wouldn’t be breaking up with Megan Fox.
JOHN: ...See, we might wanna make a sequel to this movie. And when we do, we’re gonna need a hot young star to play the female lead.
MEGAN FOX: Well, I’m like twenty-four and I’m sexy as fuck. I don’t really see what the problem is.
JOHN: Yeah, but by the time we get around to filming the sequel, you’ll probably be like twenty-seven. And that’s like almost sixty, in Hollywood-female-years. I mean, look at Elisha Cuthbert. She turned twenty-seven and now all she does is like TV and voice work and I’m gonna go ahead and say that she was actually more talented than you are.
 |
| Pictured: Talent |
MEGAN FOX: That’s a horribly sexist thing to say!
JOHN: Maybe, but seriously. When Angelina Jolie was like twenty-nine, she played Colin Farrell’s mother! Colin Farrell was twenty-eight! What kind of fucked up industry casts a twenty-nine year-old to play the mother of a grown man?
MEGAN FOX: Well, okay, but those are two very specific examples.
JOHN: What about Jessica Simpson? Wasn’t she huge like three or four years ago?
MEGAN FOX: Wait, are we still in a movie, or not?
[Cut]
SCENE 27:
[Cut to THE PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD STATION. RYDER and CARR are moving BAGS OF COCAINE into a TRAIN CAR. Enter JOHN THIMBLE.]
CARR: Hey, John.
RYDER: John! How’s it going, man?
JOHN: I’m fine. What are you guys doing?
RYDER: Well, after we took down Pennybags, this little guy needed a home.
MR. PUPPÉ: Woof!
RYDER: So we took him in, and took over the entire drug ring. Combine that with the fact that I own all the railroads and we have quite the setup here. Stacy here even stole us a little cash from the bank to smooth everything out a bit.
JOHN: Wait, you robbed the bank?
CARR: Oh relax. Everyone’s done it.
RYDER: The point is, John. This city’s ours now.
JOHN: Well, I’m glad. I feel like things are starting to look a lot brighter. I feel like there’s hope. I feel like we finally have...a Monopoly™!
 |
| NOTE: We could also end the movie with an explosion. I mean, I’m okay with it if you are (and I know you are). |
[THE END]
I await your reply, Michael Bay.
-Thomas Ridout
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